I’m going on an adventure!.

Analogies have always been a helpful tool for me as an individual, therapist, and educator. For the past 14 years, I have been looking at my life as an epic adventure like the brave hobbits, Bilbo and Frodo Baggins, from The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings. If you are unfamiliar, The Hobbit (1937) and The Lord of the Rings (1954-1955) are classic works of high fantasy written by J. R. R. Tolkien about the world of Middle Earth inhabited by humans, elves, dwarves, hobbits, wizards, orcs, trolls, and dragons. I developed a framework to help myself and others achieve their goals using tools one would need on an adventure using The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings as an analogy of sorts. Allow me to indulge you with some background and then I will give you my tools for success.

Growing up, school was incredibly challenging for me. Often, I felt lost and scared to ask for help thinking people would be mad at me. I remember writing a paper on The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien during my senior year of high school. In my mind, my teacher said something along the lines that unlike Bilbo Baggins, my paper didn’t go on any unexpected journeys. I can imagine he was disappointed because he knew I could do better, and he wasn’t wrong. I was far too afraid to write anything other than a basic plot summary. When I went to college the following year, I was wildly unprepared for the challenge and promptly failed out. While I was ashamed, I promptly picked myself up and went back home. I was mostly happy with the life I was living. Although, like Bilbo Bilbo, a part of me longed for adventure.

Later in my life, I found myself in a classroom or sorts at a low point in my life while living in North Carolina. The teacher of that class gave me an opportunity to take classes at the local community college in Raleigh, NC. I was scared….terrified even. But I made the choice to listen to the adventurous side of me. I recognized that the actions I took my first attempt at college did not work, therefore I needed to do something different. I followed suggestions of others especially during courses, exams, and writing papers. It was helpful! During my first year of taking classes, I took a math class. I got a low score on one of the first exams. I worked diligently to come up with ways to understand and remember the concepts. I put the Quadratic formula to the music of Super Mario Brothers and The Legend of Zelda themes so I could memorize it. I ended up getting a perfect score on the final exam. That reminded me when Bilbo killed the spider in Mirkwood without the help of the dwarves or Gandalf. It was the first time he recognized his bravery. It was actions like that that gave me the courage to leave my comforting surroundings in NC and head to the University of Delaware to complete my bachelors.

While my journey didn’t have hobbits, dwarves, elves, wizards, a Gollum, or a dragon – I did have myself, friends, family, mentors, self-doubt, and fear. I would have been lost without the people around me to help when I felt lost, unsure of myself, and scared. It was a regular occurrence that my support network helped me in a treacherous battle. I did, however, recognize the difference between being brave to ask for help and being brave to complete a task myself. Over time….something magical started to happen…

People started asking me for help. They could see what I was doing was working for me and they wanted to see if they could work for them, too. So, I started giving people the same suggestions that had been given to me. People started to regard me as someone to go to for assistance. I was…and still am…shocked that people come to me for help. I keep thinking, “One of these days they are all going to find out I have no idea what I am talking about.” And in the ten years I have been doing this…that day hasn’t come.

After graduating from UD, I completed three graduate programs at Widener University in Chester, Pennsylvania with the goal of helping people realize and actualize their goals. I liken that journey to the Lord of the Rings series. Quite possibly the most challenging (and rewarding) time of my life. I had to take every skill I previously learned and steadfastly apply it to that journey. Having a fellowship of people to encourage me on my journey was paramount on those challenging days when all I wanted to do was give up. My dissertation advisor reminded me constantly that he would help me as much as he could, but that there were parts of this journey that I needed to do alone. That was a painful truth. Samwise Gamgee says in the movie The Two Towers, “There is some good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for,” just like my support team reminded me that there was a purpose behind all of this struggle. And in true poetic bliss, the day I found out my doctoral research was complete was the same day canonically that the One Ring was destroyed in The Return of the King (March 25th). And as I waited for the Eagles to carry me to safety, I wept in relief and gratitude.

In the movie version of The Fellowship of the Ring, Gandalf says “A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.” I often think of my senior year teacher who was disappointed in my lack of adventure. Then I think of my instructor in North Carolina who offered me the opportunity to go on an adventure. And then I think about my dissertation advisor who supported me on the most epic of adventures. It is clear to me that each of these educators played the role of Gandalf at different parts of my life. They knocked on my door and asked me to go on an adventure with them. Ultimately, it was my decision to go and I am forever grateful they kept knocking even when I was too scared.

And now I am the educator and I recognize that mentorship is a large part of my role. I want to help my students grow not just as scholars but as individuals, as well. Now, let me put on my Gandalf wizard hat and say, “all you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” Are you ready for an adventure? Let’s go!

Map

“Maybe the paths that you each shall tread are already laid before your feet, though you do not see them.”

Galadriel , The Fellowship of the Ring

Maps provide us context for our surroundings, such as our location and our surroundings. And context is important. They can be a helpful guide that lets us know what we can reasonably expect on our adventure. Your syllabus is the map. If you are lost, always refer to the syllabus. You will find lots of helpful information on the syllabus that can help provide you with context. In the instance you don’t see something on the syllabus….ask a question. Sometimes there are rare hidden treasures not on the map. Plot twist!

Compass

“Don’t adventures ever have an end? I suppose not. Someone else always has to carry on the story.”

Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring

Compasses provide us with directionality towards certain parts of the map on our adventure (North, South, East, and West). These directions are unchanging and will extend off the map. I look at those directions like our personal values that are going to help us in all academic endeavors. For me, authenticity, bravery, dedication, and curiosity are four values that have helped me on my academic journey. Here are a list of basic values for you to identify yours.

Route

“The Road goes ever on and on,
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.”

Frodo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring

When we decide where we are headed in a trip, it is best to figure out the best route. Personally, I like Waze. It will anticipate obstacles and offer suggestions on how to best avoid them. And you get points for alerting others about obstacles on the road! Succeeding in a class is like using some kind of GPS application. Take all your different maps for the semester (i.e. syllabi) and put them in front of you. Our goal is to make one route, not five. Using a spreadsheet making software or just a piece of paper, make a list of your assignments. You can even use the spreadsheet to organize all your assignments chronologically. Cross off your assignments as you complete them. As the weeks pass, you will start to see how much progress you have made. It may feel overwhelming at first, but it will be more doable as the semester proceeds. This is one example that is helpful for me, but there are plenty of other assignment trackers you can use. Please use whatever method works best for you. Here is a Youtube example of the method I like to use.

Obstacles

“It’s the job that’s never started as takes longest to finish…”

Samwise Gamgee, The Fellowship of the Ring

As you navigate your route, you will likely start to see obstacles. For instance, you might have two exams in one day or two papers due in the same week. Augh! When I saw things like that on my route, I looked for areas that were not as congested and moved flexible assignments earlier or later. Your professors will always be happy to receive an assignment early, but lateness is frowned upon. You will need to communicate with your professor about an extension on an assignment. And more often than not, my professors were happy to oblige on certain assignments that could be flexible. Try to accommodate for obstacles for yourself before you approach your professor.

ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival)

“Short cuts make long delays.”

Pippin, Fellowship of the Ring

Rule of traveling: Traffic jams, delays, and detours happen. Make sure to account for that. It would realistically take me one day and fifteen hours to drive to Los Angeles, California from Wilmington, Delaware. That is not counting stopping for gas, bathroom, food, sleep, and sightseeing. I would need to give myself more time to realistically and safely get to LA. Same thing applies for coursework. Be realistic with how long assignments will take you. Don’t wait until the last minute to start.

Fellow Travelers

“You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin — to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours — closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo.”

Merry, The Fellowship of the Ring

My mother always used to tell me, “Edward, stick with the winners.” Now, I don’t like the winner/loser mentality, but I do appreciate the spirit of the message. Who are the people in your life who are headed in the same direction as you? The Fellowship in the Lord of the Rings weren’t always together, but they were all working towards the same goal…to defend Middle Earth from the evil of Sauron. It is important to have at least two to three people that you can turn to when you need some support. They can also help proofread your papers because sometimes we are blind to our own mistakes. Don’t forget that your professors can sometimes be your biggest supports. Go to their office hours, ask questions, maybe even help them with one of their research studies! If you are afraid to talk to them, just know that they are here to help. Trust me!

Asking for Directions

“Not all who wander are lost”

Gandalf, The Fellowship of the Ring

We are likely going to feel lost at some point along our journey. That is to be expected. Sometimes we are not going to understand an assignment or a reading or feel really jarred after getting a low grade. When that happens, stay where you are and check your map. If you still find that you don’t know where you are, reach out to your professor. They are the first person who can help you find the light, so to speak. You can also ask someone else who is in your class or the teaching assistant. One other resource I have found very helpful in my academic success is using the writing center. I am a proud member of the “Writing Center Frequent Flyer” club. Writing is not one of my strengths, so I frequently went to someone who has that strength.

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After watching this video that describes one woman’s journey through cancer treatments, I knew that I needed to share this with everyone. As a ACT practitioner, I know that the pursuit of happiness is a trap, so I was skeptical about the title. That being said, I endorse the idea that we should start and end our day with a routine that soothes us mentally, emotionally, and physically.

This past year has been like Bill Murray’s “Groundhog Day”. Days, weeks, months seem to pass by with no real change with this undercurrent of “no end in sight”. What I have been telling people is to create structure in their life to highlight the areas where we have control. That can look like setting up a to-do list, a morning and evening routine, setting workable goals and objectives, engaging in self-care. Whatever you do, focus on what you have control over.

This video suggests starting your day and ending your day finishing these statements:

• Today I am grateful for…
• Today I helped someone by…
• Something that made me happy today…
• Today I learned…
• Tomorrow I will…

I recommend watching the video and engaging in the process with one change. I would ask that you acknowledge your difficult experiences.

• Today I survived…

Here is the video. Let me know your thoughts.!

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I love my job.  Particularly, I love helping people address their relationship to challenges in life.  I use Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, more commonly known as “ACT”, in my work with others.  ACT is a form of psychotherapy that utilizes six concepts related to mindfulness, values, and action that help a person achieve psychological flexibility.  Simply put…ACT helps people decrease the psychological struggles in their life.  

In studying for this exam, I was told to expect feelings of doubt, uncertainty, and failure.  It makes sense why someone would feel that.  It is a four-hour exam that tests conceptual recall, clinical reasoning, and ethical application.  Many of the test taking suggestions were similar to the ACT principles I teach my clients, including mindfulness, changing the relationship with my thoughts, allowing for uncomfortable feelings, and feeling “stuck”.  

On the day of the exam, I got myself ready by listening to a playlist of upbeat songs.  A friend suggested I listen to some songs by RuPaul and Drag Race, namely “Sissy That Walk” and “Kitty Girl”.  I felt good walking into the exam, however as soon as I was sitting in front of that screen….all the unhelpful thoughts and feelings came back.  I could feel myself really struggling through the first half of the exam.  As suggested, I took a small break halfway through.  I went to the bathroom and recognized that I was employing some really unhelpful thoughts.  I could also recognize that I was drowning in a sea of self-doubt.  I started taking some deep breathes to calm myself and allow those feelings to pass.  I started to think more helpful thoughts.  When I got back in front of my computer, I envisioned a team of drag queens strutting into the exam room and telling me really encouraging thoughts.  For instance, I thought of Trixie Mattel cocking her head to the side, smiling and saying, “Girl….you got this.”  The second half of the exam was not without it’s challenges; however, I felt confident in my question choices.  Once I saw my passing results, I imagined RuPaul saying, “Shantay, you stay.”

Taking your LCSW exam is not easy.  And you know what, it’s not supposed to be.  Having unhelpful thoughts and uncomfortable feelings was inevitable.  The important thing is I accepted that and changed how much I payed attention to them and decided rather to focus on drag queens to help me through.  Feel free to visit the resources tab on my website for ACT resources.  

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When it’s clear that everything will never be the same again

Then I’ll make the choice to hear that voice

And do the next right thing.

I had this knack of sitting next to awesome people during my academic journey. As someone with social anxiety, I tend to look for the most confident person in the room and sit right next to them. My mother always told me, “Edward, stick with the winners.” This was definitely the case with Brittany Banks. We took an incredible LGBTQ film class together in 2013 at the University of Delaware. We bonded over movies like “Paris is Burning”, “Pariah”, and “The Boys in the Band”. I still follow Brock O’Hurn on Instagram because she told me about him and I remember her excitement when Disney’s live-action “Cinderella” was coming out.

Because life is so funny, Brittany and I both decided to become social workers. These past couple years I have followed her grad school journey and I am so proud of her. We recently reconnected while watching Stephen Sondheim’s 90th birthday concert and cried while listening to Bernadette Peter’s sing “No One Is Alone”. We were talking about her upcoming graduation in the time of COVID-19 and I wanted to highlight her success so I asked if I could interview her as part of my graduation series.

Join me as I find out about Brittany’s grad school journey at the Silberman School of Social Work in East Harlem, New York. We talked about her passion for working with kids as an in-school social worker and the ways in which our educational system provides unnecessary challenges for the kids she has serviced. We also discussed how various forms of media has been a helpful tool in coping with grad school stress and connecting with her clients.

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I won’t let them break me down to dust, I know that there’s a place for us, for we are glorious.

You can be anybody you want to be, and you can love whoever you will, you can travel any country that your heart leads, and know that I will love you still.

Everything is Possible, sung by Dr. Brent Satterly to his 592 pickle tubs

Let me introduce you to Soraia (they/them), 2020 Master of Education graduate from Widener University’s Center for Human Sexuality Studies.

I met Soraia on a Saturday morning in Chester, PA at Widener University. We were in a room full of fourteen strangers about to begin a journey toward becoming sexologists. As we all waited for our professor to take us on a truly magical journey, I don’t think any of us had any idea that we would forever be changed. Over the course of the next couple months, these fourteen people plus the illustrious Dr. Brent Satterly, bonded in such a way where at the end we were all standing in a circle gripping onto strands of purple and pink yarn crying after their leader reminded them through song that whatever this journey would bring….we always had each other. We all silently prayed that this moment would never end. Well it did. And after leaving that circle, Soraia’s journey took a little detour….

Join me and Soraia as we talk about their epic grad school journey including their most cherished moments, challenging moments, favorite books and memes, and who would play them in the super hero movie of their grad school journey. We also explain the connections between skin hunger and pickles! #pickleocean

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***Last week, I recorded a podcast with Cubs Out Loud about getting our sexual needs met during this time and some changes we can make to get those needs met. This is adult content with sexual content so you may not want to listen with the kiddos around. While this podcast is primarily geared towards the Bear community, many of the suggestions can be universally applied ***

You may be finding that your libido has increased or even decreased….both of those are natural reactions. We are all living in a traumatic situation and it is completely natural to experience a range of emotions….one of them being fear of not having our sexual needs met. You may also find that your access to getting your sexual needs met have been greatly reduced due to social distancing. Fear not! In this podcast, Edward and the boys discuss strategies to get your sexual needs met through mindful masturbation, video, and phone sex. Edward also talks about ways to maintain social distant relationships during this time.

Is it safe to have sex right now? Well, if we look at the research we will see that the novel coronavirus is not sexually transmitted, however the precautions needed to avoid transmission does not get my engines going. Translation: now is not the time to be physically hooking up with that hot guy on Growlr. If we live with our sexual partner, have at it. My only recommendation is to stop having sex if you or your partner starts exhibiting symptoms. In fact, the CDC recommends you limit physical contact as much as possible and even sleep in separate beds for 14 days.

These are scary times….but we can choose to make the most of it. If we are in a relationship, we can use this time to practice some vulnerability and increase our intimacy with our partner. John Gottman has some great tools to increase your relationship friendship. Physical touch may be your primary love language, however maybe now might be a good time to focus on one of other love languages. Britney Spears provided us with a great tool to identify our love languages:

Something else we need to consider is re-entry back into society. Sexual risk taking is a trauma reaction and we need to draw some awareness around the idea that people may not be making the best decisions once social distancing restrictions are lifted. It is quite possible we may see an increase of sexually transmitted infection (STI) rates. Have conversations with your sexual partners and potential partners about your sexual health. Also, if you have disengaged in your PrEP routine during this time, please make sure to consult your provider when you are ready to begin again.

Sexual needs are valid needs. Share far and wide.

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Turn on the news….go on…do it.  Look at all that fear, death, and destruction.  It is hard to find anything good on the news….but then there is usually a positive piece of news that brings a smile to the newscasters faces.  It helps break up all the negativity.  

We are living in scary times right now.  We need positive reminders to help break up the negativity in the news.  I bet most, if not all, of your conversations has been about COVID-19. You have been getting second hand updates from friends and family and some of that has been contradictory to what you heard thirty minutes ago from your other friend.  Scary. It is hard to know which end is up some days. Hell, sometimes it has been hard to determine which DAY it is!

A byproduct of all of this negativity is depression and low motivation.  It makes sense, though. We are all undergoing a radical shift to our routine and schedules, some more intense than others.  We are having to share spaces with others in our house who also need to use the Internet for work and tensions run high and feelings are expressed and hurt.  We are alone in our house and miss our family and friends. We need social interaction. We all have needs and for some of us they are more difficult to get met right now.  Enter depressive mood and low motivation. *raises hand* Yes, me too.  

One of the suggestions I make to clients early on is to engage in the “Three Good Things”.  For two weeks (I know the video says one week, but trust me…), An hour before you go to bed, I want you to write down three good things that happened that day.  This may be difficult in the beginning but I promise you it will get easier. As you do this, you are rewriting the neural pathways in your brain to notice the good things, which will increase your overall mood and in response increase your motivation.  The reason why I suggest two weeks is the research out of Duke University says that engaging with the process for 12 days has a lasting power of three months. That means for three months, you should experience more productivity and lighter moods.  

Part of the experience is also writing down the “why” that thing was good. Some questions you could ask yourself: what was so good about that thing?  What was the cause of that thing? How did that thing make me feel and how do I feel now reflecting back on it? It is perfectly natural for other feelings like sadness, regret, and guilt to rise while recalling the situation.  Allow yourself to experience those feelings and then notice those feelings subsiding like waves in the ocean. Refocus your attention on the positive feeling that thing created within you.  

My hope for you is after you engage in this practice to be able to focus your energy on what is going right for you during this time of stress and uncertainty.  Please make sure to share this anyone you think would benefit from this tool.  

“Three Good Things”.  Retrieved from https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/three-good-things

Rippstein-Leuenberger K, Mauthner O, Bryan Sexton J, et al. A qualitative analysis of the Three Good Things intervention in healthcare workers. BMJ Open 2017;7:e015826. doi: 10.1136/bmjopen-2017-015826

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